Human Nature S01E02
I have done something very stupid. I have looked desperately for a woman. I have participated in a Rainbow gathering, but I haven't found her there. In such a gathering, I can spend much time with many women, but in my first gathering of this kind I have been working, at times actually trying to do something that would keep us well.
I have invested many years in finding my woman. This is telling on my psyche. I have dreamt of a family; it's not late, but it is difficult to live without one. During my midteens I thought that I wouldn't have children, that I would even try to live without having my own children. During my youth I simply started feeling like a husband and a father. It was time. I do not oppose this feeling. I have always liked children and I feel like guiding people, especially the younger ones.
I have always felt full of love. I remember fondly the family of my mother's father; I loved some of them; my family broke in several places and ways, so I suffer the consequences of this, but during my childhood in the country I usually felt a loving environment, I felt that people are kind and considerate. I have got the feeling (I don't know from where) that I can do everything for a human being. I care about much more than human beings, but I have been living with the impression that one can help immediately another person to balance. If we do this almost always, we avoid excruciating pain and efforts, because imbalances will not be as serious as death and cancer. Of course we die; I have referred only to deaths caused by behavioral / societal imbalance.
I have not been affected by many deaths, but I know and understand the torment one feels when the life of a loved person ends. When my mother's father died, I did not want to see him. I don't want to ever forgive my parents for having me see him dead. We don't want to remember corpses. I believed them when they called me and told me he had died. His heart had weakened and we knew his life was nearing its end. My relatives criticized my grandfather, Stefan, after he died. I didn't like it. We must talk much more openly about what we don't like. We are too afraid to say what we don't like. We check too early and too little whether our dislike will be supported.
We needn't fear dislikes. Dislikes keep us alive, for instance when we test something for edibility. When we dislike what somebody says or does, we know that that thing causes or can cause an imbalance, or we are afraid that it would cause an imbalance. So many times we don't know for sure! So many times we don't understand things quickly! It is usually natural. We need to understand ourselves. I feel that the current generations are forgetting themselves; we don't understand our behaviors well and are quick to misinterpret. Too anxious, and we're wasting not only our lives, but the entire nature! Life is not something to waste, but something to play away. We're scheming and fighting, while we can do with much less fear. We must teach meeting people. We're too awkward when we meet somebody. People are not out there to hurt you. There is no being or group who attempts restlessly to destroy you. The demise of nature is the human brain's fear of nature.
I am looking for love and imagine that all is full of love. When somebody hurts I try to (learn to) comfort them. We can learn to use plants to help somebody rebalance. I am one of those people who have not been taught to do so. I feel bad that many of us know little about plants. I feel that one can help another person a lot, irrespective of how much help that person needs. One can summon others and work as a team. You can devote years to a person. When you help somebody again, you can become friends for life. This is the usual kind of friendship. They say that one can only start loving somebody. People who love each other will spend time together, so friends make arrangements like eating together often.
In March I wrote that I want to choose attentively with whom I communicate. I decided to participate in a Rainbow gathering that drained my energy. When I returned home, I was thinking that I need a life partner. Yes, it's a compromise, because I would accept spending time with a woman who is not the one with whom I will be in love forever. I have accepted this compromise all my adulthood.
I was impressed by a girl when I was 15 and went on a school camp. I started being overwhelmed by her mere presence. I started dreaming and writing about her. I was not sure that was love. We have not built a relationship. When she started studying in my high-school, we did not communicate for some reason. I have allowed people too many times to generate unclarity and to leave things unclear. For instance, my communication with a young woman of whom I was fond and to whom I made love stopped. I would like to understand that we are too different to be lovers, but we must clarify relationships before we end them. I must talk about this relationship and try without Clara's help to understand what we felt. But we may be missing something when we don't clarify things directly with the people involved, and each of us is responsible, so she should actually talk with me about this. Of course, she can tell our story to a bosom friend, in order to take counsel and comfort.